January of 2020 dawned on my lowest and most desperate season. All I held dear; my family, my marriage, my faith, had been gradually unraveling. With thread by painful thread slowly pulling out of place, I entered the year with only a frayed, uncertain remnant of a foundation. Holding it out in both hands, I knew it wasn’t much to look at. Certainly not enough to hold a lifetime together.
In a way, the intensity of the soon to come pandemic of February 2020, with its pressure cooking environment, was a severe mercy. It allowed a painful journey to be brought to swift and clear finality.
During the heart of the pandemic, in June of 2020, I lost my 18 year marriage, while becoming a single parent. Those days are hard to think about without tears. Hard to talk about as well. But looking back what I remember above all else was the paradox of holding in one hand a full measure of brokenness, while in the other hand a gentle grace that sustained me daily. During that season I met Father, Son, and Spirit in such distinct ways. Their nearness was constant and didn’t run out. Each day I had the measure of strength for what I needed.
In 2021 I began the work of untangling all that had happened over the last few years.
During those years the foundation of my faith had been severely assaulted from more than one source. More than a few close friends had recently dismantled their faith, many of them leaving it behind all together. Their arguments and reasonings left my dizzy to a point I barely knew left from right or up from down. When asked to describe how I was feeling, my one word answer was always “confused”.
Even though I had experienced such presence and grace throughout my separation and divorce, I wasn’t able to make the spiritual connection from my heart to my head. Whenever I thought about faith, or picked up a Bible, a million accusations and doubts towards God circled in my mind. I needed answers so I could make sense of direction and move forward with my life.
It was during that season I began repeating a singular prayer every morning. My prayer was simply this: “What is the Gospel, and why is it good news?”
Every morning I’d ask it.
“What is the Gospel, and why is it good news?” In light of my divorce, what is the Gospel? In light of this brokenness, what is the good news? In light of our culture wars, in light of racism, in light of COVID, in light of sex, what is the Gospel and why is that Gospel good news?
Soon I was brave enough to pick up my Bible again, but this time taking it in with an insatiable appetite while daily asking God’s Spirit to help me understand where I was confused. I dove into biblical scholars and studied what didn’t make sense until I found answers that satisfied.
During that season I began to feel as if I was walking in divine appointment. Sources started coming from the most unlikely of places. Phone calls from a distant friend across the miles with a word at the very moment I was praying for answers. Randomly bumping into people while running errands who happened to speak a needed truth over me. I was reaching out for God and He was reaching back out to me. It was wild and beautiful.
I began reading anything I could get my hands on that might help me understand what had happened in not only my marriage but in other areas where I saw the same scenario playing out.
I began reading a wide range of ideas from Marxism, Luciferianism, New Age philosophy, Christian authors old and new, ancient demonology, many many dissertations on cultural issues and SO. MUCH. HISTORY. Nothing was off limits as I ingested whatever might help me connect the dots to the patterns I was seeing around me.
All of these circumstances and all of this information culminated on a very average Tuesday morning in the Fall of 2021.
It was on that morning I decided I was done searching. I was done being the skeptic peering over the fence at faith. I didn’t have 100% of my questions answered, but I had seen enough to know where I wanted to rest my faith. As I sat in that familiar prayer space in my bed, I prayed these words: “I’m done being halfway in! I’m fully in! All of me and all my faith. You have it. You and Your Word and Your kingdom is where I place my stake!!”
What happened next is hard to explain and caught me off guard. It was as if suddenly the eyes of my spirit opened and I saw past the physical into the depth of God’s goodness and glory. I saw myself too, in contrast, with my pride, my self-centeredness, and small minded living. I can only describe that moment as the sweetest repentance I didn’t know was possible. With tears streaming down my face, the smallness of my life was being swallowed into His overwhelming glory and goodness! Tears and head down in my pillow all I could say was “Of course I choose you! Of course I choose you! Why would I ever choose anything else?”
Much has shifted for me since that moment. Some of it was instant and some of it has been slowly growing over time. My perspective, my values, my pursuits, they’re conforming more to the eternal. I am so grateful, and am so satisfied!
This is not a new story in history, but now it’s my story. The one where God chooses our deepest pain to infuse His glory so squarely in the center of it that when His light shines through, it’s hard to distinguish our brokenness from His brilliance.
While I would have never chosen this journey for myself, God is in the process of restoring my heart and giving me a priceless gift in the process.
I’ve been very quiet about what has happend in my life over the last couple years, especially here on my personal social media. It’s painful and awkward to talk about my divorce and I know it leaves a lot of unanswered questions.
But over the last couple weeks I’ve felt a continuing nudge to share this story. It makes me think that there’s someone who needs to read it. And not just read it, but have someone to talk to.
If that’s you, consider this your open invitation to reach out. If you need someone to talk to, please dm or text.
I won’t have all the answers, but I have so much confidence that God is pulling you in and He wants to meet you.
And I’d love to pray with you.
With so much love,
-Jodi