I’ll never forget that evening in the Fall of 2019. It was midnight and everyone else was finally asleep as I slipped outside to walk and pray.

Our family was in trouble, and as much as I tried, I could see no possible way forward.

I don’t know if you’ve ever been here, but I was at the absolute end of myself.

As I walked I cried in literal desperation. I had no requests because I had no solution, only the most honest and desperate plea for ‘HELP’ I’ve ever known.

During that walk I sensed God responding. He asked me “Are you willing to walk out into the dark with Me?”

When I felt that invitation I was actually offended and turned around and began to walk home. I was angry that God would ask more from me. I had already surrendered and given so much.

But part way home I stopped and realized I had nowhere else to turn. Not really. I had tried everything else.

Stepping back into the darkness I told Him “Yes”. Whatever it looked like, I would go where He was asking me. “Step past the light and look up” I sensed Him say. I walked out past the street lights and looked up into the black sky sparkling with the brilliant light of a thousand stars. “It’s dangerous out here in the dark, but there is so much beauty to be found too.” He said.

The next morning at church I was confronted by someone who dared to ask me what was really going on in my marriage. The ‘Yes’ I had given just the night before gave me the courage to be honest for the first time about what was happening.

That interaction led me down a path I never would have imagined. Honestly, if I had known then that saying yes would ultimately lead to the end of my marriage 2 years later, I would never have had the courage to give it.

At the time I didn’t realize I was blinded by unhealthy co-dependencies that were keeping our family in a dangerous situation.

The past few years have been laced with small surrenders after small surrenders as God has gently led me down this painful path. At times this path required me to hand over everything I held dear into the hands of God, but those hands were gentle every time. And while my story hasn’t come full circle, I’m experienced redemption of my soul. My confusion is being transformed into purpose, my need for control replaced with the freedom to traverse even the most dangerous places because of the confidence in Who holds my hand.

The other night as I was putting Isla to bed, she whispered to me “Mom I don’t understand how, but it’s like every part of my life is full of joy.” I lay silently in the dark, tears falling down my face. Our family has lost a lot. But we’ve gained too. With lives defined by joy, peace, love, confidence, and abundance. An impossibility except through the work of God

I don’t know who needs to hear this today, but God’s Word is good and He can be trusted. Lean into Him, and He will make your paths straight!